some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
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You dont lie about slip and slides
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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