Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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