I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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