He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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