She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
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You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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