I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize