Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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