so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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