If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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