I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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