The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
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It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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