if you like me you must not know who I am
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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