dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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