I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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