So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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