Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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