Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
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And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
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i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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