my phone needs a breathalizer
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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