I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
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Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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