i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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