mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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