Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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