I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize