yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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