no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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