I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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