I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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