someone threw a dead crab at me
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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