She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sext me about skeletons
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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