I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We need to get me chipped asap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize