I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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