If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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