no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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