you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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