everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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