u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
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Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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