Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
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So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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