I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
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Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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