would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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