i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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