I think im going to throw up on grandma
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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