someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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