Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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