Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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