I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i drank out of a bidet.
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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