remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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