My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
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We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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