i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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