dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
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