If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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